Welcome to Hell Box Set: Paranormal Romantic Comedy Read online

  Welcome to Hell

  Box Set

  Demelza Carlton

  Contents

  Welcome to Hell (#1)

  See You in Hell (#2)

  Mel Goes to Hell (#3)

  Melody Angel's Guide to Heaven and Hell

  BONUS Sneak Peek of To Hell and Back (#4)

  Welcome to Hell

  Demelza Carlton

  DEDICATION

  For all my fellow commuters, corporate and civil workers.

  May you never be inspired by a stranger’s briefcase.

  Copyright © 2014 Demelza Carlton

  Lost Plot Press

  All rights reserved.

  One

  Job interviews were Mel's personal concept of Hell.

  "So, why do you want to work here?"

  "I don't," Mel replied.

  Raphael sighed. "Come on, Mel. I'm trying to help you. In a real interview, like the one tomorrow, they'll ask you and you'll need a convincing answer."

  Mel took a deep breath and tried to think of a reason. After a minute, she shook her head. "Sorry, Raphael. Ask me the next question. I'll have to think about that first one."

  "How about telling them it's because you need the money and you've heard they have good pay and conditions? Or because they're the best in the business? Or because you want to make a difference in the world and they're the best place to do it?" Raphael persisted.

  "I'll think about it," Mel said. "Try the next question. I still have a whole day before the interview. I might come up with something good by then."

  "In your opinion, what's the worst thing about you?"

  Mel stared at him. "What kind of question is that? I thought I was supposed to say things that make me sound good and employable, not let them know about my worst habits!"

  "Don’t tell them your worst habits. Say something that sounds good but that you don't like about yourself," Raphael suggested.

  "I can't lie."

  "Of course you can't lie – or you shouldn't. You need to say more than that, Mel. I know you've never had a job interview before, but you're not making this easy." Raphael ran a hand through his hair, looking worried. "You're supposed to sell yourself."

  Mel laughed. "Technically, this will be my first real job interview and my first paid job. I'd hardly call it selling myself. You make it sound so dirty…"

  "Just think of something about you that's really desirable for the job, but that you might not like."

  "My boobs are too big?" Mel suggested.

  "Oh Hell…Mel!"

  Two

  "Good afternoon, welcome to Hell–"

  Did she really just say that? Mel wondered, staring at the receptionist.

  "–lth, Environment, Life and Lands Corporation. How can I help you?"

  "Ah, I'm here for a job interview?" Mel left the statement hanging as a question – half hoping she'd be told there was no interview or vacancy, so she wouldn't have to undergo this ordeal.

  "Oh, you're from the agency? Take a seat and I'll let them know you're here," the girl said, waving toward the uncomfortable-looking bucket chairs. She picked up the phone receiver and stared at her until Mel's nervous knees folded, dropping her onto one of the seats.

  "Hi, it's Reception. I have an agency girl here who says she has an interview." The receptionist sniffed as if she felt the accuracy of this information was questionable. A pause. "No." The girl's chin pointed at Mel. "What's your name, agency girl?"

  "I'm Mel."

  The receptionist's shoulders slumped as her eyes implored Heaven for something she evidently lacked. Mel wondered if it was patience, good manners or the ability to smile, as the girl seemed to lack all three. "She says her name is Mel. Just…Mel."

  Mel summoned a smile. She could be both patient and polite – evidently it was a rarity in this office, if the receptionist was anything to go by. Perhaps the girl was only a teenager, too young to know better, or maybe she'd had a bad morning…

  "She's on her way," the receptionist said as she clicked the phone into its cradle.

  Mel considered asking who the girl was referring to, but decided not to bother. She didn't expect any answer from her anyway.

  The door beside the reception desk opened and a red-suited woman emerged, scowling. She propped the door open with one shiny, red stiletto. "Melody Angel?" she asked, squinting at the sheet of paper in her hands.

  Mel winced. "I'm Mel," she repeated, extending her hand to shake the red woman's.

  She ignored it. "Follow me."

  The woman turned to her right and entered a small meeting room. No, an interview room, Mel told herself, looking at the office chairs circling the table. The furniture was occupied by two men, a jug of water and some empty glasses.

  Oh Hell. I hope all my practice questions with Raphael were worth it – and that I don't forget anything, Mel thought, attempting to keep calm. Please, don't let me stuff this up.

  The door clicked shut behind her with a terrible finality as Mel took her indicated seat.

  Three

  "Why do you want to work for our company?"

  Mel paused to choose her words carefully. "The Health, Environment, Life and Lands Corporation is experiencing unprecedented growth in a contracting economy, through turning the government push for cost-cutting, consolidation and privatisation into its primary strength. From securing contracts in health and immigration, to subsequent privatised government departments, the general consensus in the business community is that the Health, Environment, Life and Lands Corporation will soon control all government services. That's unprecedented power for a private company – and I want to be a part of it, to witness its almost miraculous success."

  The three interview panel members sported proud smiles at Mel's praise. The woman ran her fingers through her hair, giving Mel a glimpse of what looked like a small, pointed horn, before it was hidden from sight once more. Mel told herself she was imagining things.

  One of the men cleared his throat. "What would you say is your worst quality?" He ran his tongue nervously across his lips and Mel could have sworn it looked forked.

  "Three things," Mel replied smoothly. "A trinity, as it were. My eye for detail, my tendency to work too hard to the point of single-mindedness, culminating in my pursuit of perfection. I see things other people gloss over as unimportant and I work hard to ensure that my work doesn't include such errors of judgement. I'm a perfectionist – striving to provide the perfect product, even if I need to work harder to deliver that. That might be why I have a reputation as a miracle worker." She blushed and lowered her head.

  Beneath the table, she saw the tip of a pointed tail before it swung out of sight. She coughed to hide her exclamation.

  "Would you like a drink of water?" the woman asked, filling a glass from the jug on the table. As she handed Mel the half-filled glass, Mel had the impression that the woman's fingernails bore an eerie resemblance to black claws.

  Mel blinked and politely accepted the drink, sipping slowly. She set the glass down.

  "How do you deal with working on multiple projects at the same time?" the second man asked. Mel strongly suspected the tail belonged to him.

  She smiled broadly. "It's all about priorities. When I have competing deadlines, depending on my personal goals and those of my superiors, I assess my projects very carefully. They get allocated relative priority, based on their importance to both me and the people I work for. I then divide my attention accordingly. My time is valuable and wasting it would be a terrible crime, especially when someone else might need to pay for my oversight. The projects that are the highest priority take prece
dence." She couldn't keep the edge out of her voice and feared that the second man had noticed it.

  His eyes appraised her and she caught a glimpse of red before they faded to brown once more. She resolved to be more cautious for the remainder of her interview. After all, she did want to get out of there alive.

  Four

  "Do you have any questions for us, or any further information you'd like to add?" the woman in the red suit asked. Her eyes had turned redder as the interview progressed, so Mel couldn't tell herself she was imagining things any more. Lilith – the woman's name was Lilith, Mel reminded herself. She couldn't remember the men's names.

  "No, thank you. I believe I've taken enough of your valuable time today," Mel responded with a professional smile. She rose to her feet, smoothing her pale gold jacket and matching skirt.

  The three interviewers stood with considerably less grace, making noises that expressed their gratitude for her time, for taking part in the interview, and for not mentioning the pointed tails beneath the table.

  Lilith opened the door to release her, waiting for Mel to leave first. Mel stepped out and almost collided with a man in a dark suit.

  His coffee splashed high, yet he caught most of it in his cup. Not a spot landed on Mel – just one on the man's shoe. "Damn," he swore, swiping at it with a black handkerchief that appeared almost instantly in his hand. As he rose from his crouch, he took in Mel's attire, from her toes to her raised eyebrows.

  He summoned a smile that clashed with the stormy expression in his eyes. "I don't believe I've seen you in the office before, and I make it a point to know all of my staff intimately." He handed the dripping cup to Mel's haughty interviewer. Lilith took it without a murmur, even as some of the coffee slopped onto her shoes.

  He held out his hand to shake Mel's. "Luce Iblis, CEO of HELL Corporation."

  Mel gave him her fingers, in such a way that he couldn't crush them in his firm handshake. "I'm Mel," she began.

  "This is her first time here. She's being interviewed for a position here at Health, Environment, Life and Lands Corporation – as my executive officer," Lilith said.

  Luce's eyes stared hungrily at Mel as she lowered her gaze. "Is that so? I suspect I'll be seeing a lot more of you very soon, then. I look forward to welcoming you to the HELL Corporation."

  Mel caught the glance that passed between Lilith and Luce before the woman bowed her head in acquiescence. Mel lifted her eyes to meet Luce's, but smiled instead of saying anything in reply.

  She felt his scrutiny follow her out to Reception, where the red woman thanked her again and said they'd be in touch.

  Mel tried to hide her smile as she left. Her stint in Hell was over for the day, and she hoped it would be her last for a long time.

  Five

  Mel waited on the station platform with all the other be-suited commuters. The train arrived, packed like a sardine tin.

  A man behind her muttered, "I survived the London Tube every day – no worries getting on this!"

  Mel stood aside for two people to squeeze out of the car before she sidled in, reaching for a metal pole to keep her balance when the train set off. A recorded message warned her that the doors were closing.

  "Nope, not getting on this one," the Tube survivor moaned as the doors shut, leaving him standing foolishly on the platform.

  The train picked up speed rapidly and the man behind Mel almost fell on top of her. When he straightened up, she became far more intimately acquainted with the stranger’s briefcase than she’d ever thought possible. She thought about accidentally stomping on his foot but decided that would only make the situation worse, because if he jumped, the briefcase would go up, too. With the corner of the briefcase jammed between her cheeks, she idly wondered what would happen if she farted.

  Faintly, she heard a phone ring. The generic tone could have been hers, but if it was, she couldn't reach to answer it. Whoever it was would have to wait.

  She sighed and closed her eyes. The stranger behind her sighed, too, sending a breath down her shirt to the lucky bra she wore on days when luck needed a little extra push. She struggled to maintain her equilibrium and vowed that if she felt the man’s hand move at all, she was going to make sure the whole train knew he was a groper – and not the fish, either.

  She didn't know how anyone managed an uncomfortable commute like this, twice a day, every single day of their career. Only an angel or a saint would survive without severely injuring someone in response.

  The train stopped at the next station and the man with the penetrative briefcase got out. Seeing a spare seat, Mel took it, straightening her skirt as she sat. She took out her phone and started reading. She'd check her messages when she arrived home – she had no intention of letting the whole train know her business. Especially not after they'd all been unwitting witnesses to her getting a briefcase up the bum.

  Mel lost herself in the book she'd picked up. Something about zombies and an Amazonian queen battling on the surface of Mars. Some people came up with the strangest things to turn into stories. She certainly enjoyed their efforts.

  She felt almost relaxed again as the train arrived at her station and she trudged up the escalators so she could head home.

  Six

  "Hello, Helpful Angels Agency. This is Persi. How may I help you?" her sweet voice gushed.

  "Good afternoon, Persi. It's Mel, returning Raphael's call. He said it was urgent?" Mel tried to hide her curiosity. What could possibly be so urgent that Raphael had needed to call her before he knew if she'd left the HELL Corporation office?

  "Oh! Oh, yes. Um, he's on a call – what do I do?" Persi giggled nervously. "I'm still not used to this switchboard thingy."

  "You could put me on hold, or you could tell me a bit more about what Raphael feels is so urgent. I've only been back from Iran for two days. I've spent most of that time either preparing for, or attending, today's job interview as a favour to him, when I was looking forward to taking some time off. I have so much washing to do and there's no food in the house." Mel could almost hear Persi's mind wandering. "How's your mother, Persi?"

  "She's good. She's always good. Worried, though. The rumours say the old devil's working on another bid for power and no one's sure when he'll show his hand. They're saying he wants out of Hell and he'll do anything to get it." Another high-pitched giggle. "It's frightening, Mel!"

  "People have been saying that for as long as I can remember and Lucifer is still firmly in Hell, Persi. I wouldn't worry about him. If he was marshalling all the forces of Hell for a takeover bid, we'd notice."

  "But he's sneaky and this time's different, they say. He might…OH! The blinky light for Raphael's phone is off. That means he's free to talk to you!" Persi squealed. "One sec and I'll –" The beep of buttons cut off her voice before it returned. "Raphael, it's Mel!"

  "No, just me," Mel replied. "Did you hit the flash key to transfer after you entered his number?"

  "OH! Thank you. Putting you through now, Mel!" Persi said with another giggle.

  A single beep, followed by some recorded music – the unearthly sound of a string quartet, Mel guessed. The music cut off after a few seconds.

  "Mel, you're the best and I need you," Raphael said. "You have to take this job."

  Mel sighed. "I thought you just wanted me to go in for the interview, to take a look around and report back on my findings. Now you want me to accept a job there?"

  "We need an insider at the HELL Corporation. They won the contract for mining this morning. You've seen how they're taking over. First the health and justice systems, then environment, fishing, mining…pretty soon, they'll control all of the privatised government departments. We can't let that happen."

  Mel wet her lips. "Why me? Why can't you send an archangel in? I thought Gabrielle was due back from Russia any day. She's experienced and more than qualified. What about Michael? He's good with IT – he fits in anywhere."

  "Gabi's still in Russia and Michael…he won't be involved
in this one. It's too dangerous." Raphael didn't elaborate. His breathing crackled through the phone line.

  "You're not selling me on this, Raphael. Too dangerous for Michael, part of HELL's biggest bid for power in millennia…I'm the last person you should tap for this one. You know I'm better in the background, managing from the shadows. I don't have a taste for danger like some of your guardian angels. I'm…"

  "You're perfect," Raphael interrupted eagerly. "They won't suspect you because no one knows you. They'll dismiss you as a brand-new guardian. That's why we'll send you in as a new office temp, so you can…"

  "An office temp? The errand girl who answers the phone, takes minutes at meetings and does the photocopying? Are you serious? Was that what I was interviewing for? They'll never buy it. I'm qualified to run their entire company, Raphael. They knew I wasn't an angel-in-training like Persi – from the beginning of the interview. I'm surprised I made it out of there safely." Mel shook her head. "Gabi, Mike…you should be sending in the archangels for something like this. I was planning on heading up to Korea…"

  "We can't send Michael in and he knows Gabi, too," Raphael began, but didn't seem to want to continue.

  Mel took the bait tiredly. "Who's 'he', Raphael? Michael's not afraid of anyone. After taking on Lucifer himself, Michael's not likely to get nervous around one of his deputy demons."

  "We think Lucifer's in charge – directly, this time. If he appears in the office, you know Michael will pull out his flaming sword and all Hell will break loose. He'll set every demon he has against Michael. He won't let Gabi near any sensitive material, either. You're our only hope." Now Raphael sounded scared.

  Mel blew out a breath, trying not to laugh. The CEO she'd met looked like he wanted her all over something sensitive – which had nothing to do with the Corporation. He couldn't possibly have been… "Lucifer. Out of the Pit and managing a company. Well, I guess I can't say I'm shocked. The whole place was full of demons in suits. The entire interview panel and their CEO, too. Look, I know demons are into the bureaucracy of contracts and such – they've been doing it since Roman times and they've gotten a lot better since Faustus – but surely Lucifer wouldn't be stupid enough to make such an obvious bid for power. It doesn't make sense." She thought of the arrogant CEO, passing his coffee cup to Lilith so he could check Mel out. The way Lilith had bowed her head, as if in respect – but Lilith was one of Lucifer's most trusted lieutenants. If the rumours were true, she was his mistress, too. Could the sleazy man truly have been the Lord of Hell? She couldn't tell Raphael that – what if she was wrong? She'd never had anything to do with Lucifer before and she knew very little about demons. Mel knew she needed to investigate further before she said anything. That meant returning to HELL. "Ah Hell. You think it's a serious attempt, if he's making it known he's involved, don't you?" She didn't want to believe it.